"I can just about accept that our marriage is over. Even though I've been blaming them for the affair, and I've been trying to fix everything for the last few months, I can see that we've reached the end of the line. Of course I don't want us to separate, but I can see now that we need to... we're just making each other so unhappy. But the thing that really kills me, and I can hardly say it without getting emotional... how on earth do we tell the children?"
Of all the questions parents bring to us when a relationship is ending, this is the one I hear most often, and it's usually asked through tears. Please be reassured that you don't need perfect words. In my experience, what children need most is to feel safe and to know they're still allowed to love both of you.
Before you talk
Where it's safe and possible, tell the children together. Hearing the news from both of you shows them you're still their parents, and still working as a team for them. Agree a short, blame-free explanation beforehand, something like: "Mum and Dad have decided we can't live together any more. We both love you, and that will never change."
Children's first questions are usually practical, so try to agree where they'll live and how the week will look before you sit down. Choose a calm moment with time afterwards, away from birthdays, exam weeks and bedtime.
It's fine for children to see that you're sad. Seeing a parent overwhelmed is much harder for them, so if you need support to feel steadier first, please do ask for it.
Age-appropriate conversations
Under-fives will mostly make sense of change through their daily routines. Keep words short and concrete ("Daddy is going to live in a new house. You'll see him on Saturday."), protect familiar rituals, and expect some clinginess or disrupted sleep for a while.
Five- to eight-year-olds often believe, even if they don't tell you, that they caused the separation or can fix it. Say clearly and more than once: "This is a grown-up decision. Nothing you did made this happen, and nothing you do can change it." You literally can't emphasise this enough!
Nine- to twelve-year-olds understand more and may look for someone to blame. They can also feel a strong pull of loyalty, or want to look after the parent they see struggling more. Invite their questions, and reassure them they're allowed to enjoy time with both of you.
Teenagers often want to be treated as adults while still needing to be protected. Be honest with them, but keep adult details like finances, affairs and legal disputes
firmly with the adults. Many teenagers process privately and come back to the conversation later, often at unexpected moments, like in the car.
What not to say
Most of us know not to criticise the other parent in front of the children. The trickier phrases are the smaller ones, said in a tired or upset moment. These come up most often in my sessions:
"Your dad doesn't want to be a family any more." This places blame and invites a child to take sides.
"You're the man of the house now." Children should never be asked to fill an adult's role.
"Can you ask your mum about the money?" Every message a child carries puts them in the middle of adult conflict.
"Who do you want to live with?" Asked directly, this hands a child an impossible choice. Their wishes matter, and there are safe, supported ways to hear them.
"It's fine, I'm fine." Said through obvious distress, this teaches children to hide their feelings. Something more authentic might be: "I'm feeling sad today, and I'm going to be OK. You don't need to look after me."
Keeping children out of the middle
Research, and what I see every week in my own practice, tells us that ongoing conflict between parents is one of the most damaging things for children going through a separation, especially when they're drawn into it. Keep adult conversations well out of earshot, keep handovers brief, and use a co-parenting app or shared email for logistics. Above all, give your children explicit permission to love and miss their other parent.
How the collaborative process protects children
Court can heighten conflict just when children most need their parents to be calm. In the collaborative process, each parent has their own specially trained lawyer, and everyone commits to resolving things through face-to-face meetings instead of going to court. Family consultants, like the therapists and coaches at our practice, can join the team to help parents communicate and plan how to talk to the children. Where appropriate, a trained professional can also meet with the children, so their wishes inform decisions without them carrying the burden of choosing.
As a Resolution member and collaboratively trained practitioner, I've seen how much difference this makes. Co-parenting carries on long after the legal process ends, and the way you learn to communicate now will help at every parents' evening and birthday to come.
When to seek extra support
Some adjustment is expected. Do reach out if your child's sleep, appetite, mood or behaviour changes for more than a few weeks, if they withdraw from friends, seem to
be looking after a parent emotionally, or start struggling at school. And please think about support for yourself, too.
How we can help
At The Relationship Therapy Practice, our family consultants, therapists and coaches work with parents at every stage of separation. We offer divorce and separation coaching, co-parenting coaching, support for children and young people, and family consultant support within the collaborative process. All our therapists are registered or accredited members of the BACP or NCPS, and we work online across the UK.
If you're preparing for this conversation, or helping your children through what comes after it, we'd love to hear from you. Book a free 15 min consultation or email us at hello@relationshiptherapypractice.com.
By Elinor Harvey, Founder and Clinical Director, The Relationship Therapy Practice
